suicide man

Author's note: I wrote this for my fiction class yesterday in about twenty minutes, I'm not sure where I am going with it and I will probably revise things but this is the first draft.

I don’t like milk in my cereal, I eat it dry and people think it’s weird. I separate my food on my plate because I don’t like the different food groups to touch. I do not eat with sporks, they freak me out. I eat my food in order of hot to cold because luke warm food is nasty. I hate showering past 9:30 p.m. because then my hair cannot air dry before midnight and it puts my sleeping schedule completely off by at least half an hour. I don’t like to leave the house to go out with friends past 8:00 p.m. and if I am already out with friends I must be home by 9:00 p.m. or 9:30 p.m. if I am having extra fun. This is very rare.

I hate the color purple and I refuse to wear it or have any of it in my presence. I eat parmesan flavored goldfish only and I will only eat them if it is between the hours of 5:00 p.m. and 7:30 p.m. I wake up at approximately 7:31 a.m. and at 8:01 a.m. I excrete my waste. I will only watch movies with Morgan Freeman in them. And I do not drink pineapple juice.

I have a fear of sprinklers and I avoid using sidewalks when they are on. I also have a fear of driving in cars especially small cars. I do not use three ring binders I only use composition books but they must be college ruled. I am very clean and I deep clean my apartment twice a day, this even includes polishing the floors. And last but not least I do not drink orange juice with pulp in it.

Sometimes I wonder why I’m so alone but then I remind myself it doesn’t matter. Talking to people makes me feel uncomfortable. People don’t understand me and my routines, phobias, and ticks. They think I’m weird and have an inferiority complex. Perhaps they are right but the thing that they don’t understand is I am smarter than I look. And today is my day.

After twenty one long years of being afraid of everything and living in such rigidity I have decided to put an end to it all and take my own life. I have carefully and thoroughly thought it through and not a corner has been overlooked! When I do things, I do them right and thoroughly. Perhaps that is the obsessive compulsive part of me.

I decided that today after my Personality Theories class I would go back to my apartment as I always do. And I would make myself a turkey sandwich with two slices of turkey and two slices of swiss cheese with mustard on the left bread slice only and eat my lunch while I watch House. After lunch I would go back to my room and swallow a whole bottle of advil and lay on my bed and wait for the inevitable. And then at last I would have peace!

So I did that and I’m still here! I don’t understand what went wrong! One moment I was laying on my bed my stomach full of advil and stupid smirk on my face and then I passed out and the next thing I know I wake up in the same spot and it’s like nothing happened! I figured that I must have not take enough so the following Tuesday I tried again. I made my turkey sandwich with two slices of turkey and two slices of swiss cheese and mustard on the left bread slice only and watched House and then swallowed three bottles of advil. I laid on my bed and waited and passed out.

BUT I’M STILL HERE!!!!!!!

So then it got me thinking! Maybe advil wasn’t strong enough maybe I needed something more potent! So I went into my kitchen and kneeled down and rummaged around looking for something poisonous under my sink and found some drain-o! I had seen the movie Heathers and how Christian Slater’s character had killed the popular girl Heather by putting draino in her drink so I figured this must work! So I hastily poured myself a nice full glass of draino and swallowed the disgusting liquid and it made me gag.

I began throwing up violently and I couldn’t stop myself. I threw up all over my kitchen counter, my kitchen table, and all over the rug. This drove me insane because I absolutely hate mess and I desperately wished I would stop so I could clean it up. After I finished retching I began to feel light headed and I fell to the ground and everything went black.

I woke up again in what seemed only a few hours to my kitchen completely a mess and covered with vomit. I was livid.

“WHY CAN’T I DIE?????” I wanted to scream and I began pulling my hair out in chunks. It had worked for Christian Slater but why hadn’t it worked for me!

I began pacing around my kitchen grunting and panting in frustration. My mind was racing with thoughts of what was going on. I had swallowed a total of four bottles of Advil and had drank Drain-o. Why wasn’t I dead? Was I immortal? Or worse was I so incompetent that I couldn’t even commit suicide right? I longed for answers. After I thoroughly cleaned my kitchen and returned it to its usual perfect pristine condition I decided to make a list.

I made a list of ten different ways to commit suicide and I decided to embark on them and try them all. First I filled up my bathtub with water and then I plugged my toaster into the wall plug and got into the tub. I then shampooed my hair twice and rinsed thoroughly both times. Then after I had lathered soap onto my sponge and washed my body I dropped the toaster in. There were sparks and steam everywhere and I felt my body began to convulse violently due to the high amounts of electricity coursing through me. And then the power went out and I fell into darkness.

I’m still hereeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Next I threw myself off a five story building. I landed on a nice little Russian man’s car and after I came to I gave him my insurance card and assured him that I would pay for the damages. Next I ran onto the highway when a six wheeler was roaring down the road and it hit me dead on and I flew right into a cow pasture and broke the farmer’s fence. I got up and brushed myself off and one of the cows looked at me and mooed. I left my card on the fence and apologized to the truck driver and went back home to make a grilled cheese sandwich.

Next I bought a shot gun. I had been reading a lot of Ernest Hemingway around this time and really admired his work. I had heard that he had killed himself with a shotgun so I figured I’d give it a try. I sat in my bathtub (cause I had learned that suicide can really make a big mess) and put the barrel in my mouth and pulled the trigger. My jaw hurt for about week after that attempt.

I was beginning to get tired and was started to run out of ideas. I had drank draino, cyanide, rat poison, ammonia, gasoline, nail polish remover and many other chemicals. I had jumped off buildings, bridges, boats, roofs, and even a hot air balloon. I had gassed myself in my garage, cut my wrists, taken acid, taken tons of prescriptions, mixed prescriptions with alcohol, and shot myself with a variety of guns. I just could not seem to die!

Everywhere I looked around me people were dying. It was all over the news and even happening in my family whether it was accidents, murders, or suicides. And I just could not understand why me of all people seemed to be spared.